Hard to Swallow
by henriettaline
Summary: Kurt's song was risky, energetic, and highly successful; hers is the same go-to song she's had her whole life. What went through Rachel's head during her audition in "Choke", and what she needs to hear next.


Disclaimer: don't own _Glee_, don't own _Funny Girl_, really should be working instead of writing fic.

* * *

"Rachel Berry."

Rachel heard her name called, and strode out onto the familiar auditorium stage for her NYADA audition.

"Hi, I'm Rachel Berry, and I'll be singing 'Don't Rain on My Parade' from my favorite musical, _Funny Girl_." She faltered a little after she said it, listening to herself – it was the safe option. The song she'd sung her whole life, yes, but also predictable, expected, something Carmen Thibideaux would have heard a hundred times before. Kurt had been so impressive and energetic with his sudden risky choice, he deserved the praise he'd gotten from the judge and more. _Maybe I should have picked something else... _But she didn't have anything like that ready herself. This was her song, it always was. She squared her shoulders as the intro started, suddenly feeling the butterflies that had failed to materialize before.

_Don't tell me not to live, just sit and putter  
Life's candy and the sun's a ball of butter  
Don't bring around a cloud to rain on my parade_

(Just like she'd sung it a thousand times before)

_Don't tell me not to fly, I've simply got to  
Life's candy and the sun's a _

_**What, NO! That's not it.**_ Rachel stopped.

_No_, how could this be happening? She could sing this song in her sleep.

Start again. Focus. She apologized and restarted, the butterflies fluttering wildly, nerves on edge.

_Don't tell me not to live, just sit and putter, life's candy and the sun's a..._

and she was _too fast_, racing through the words out of time with the music. No, no, _no!_ She'd have to start _again_... _**focus, Rachel!**_

But that was it, even though she begged for another chance. You get eight bars, the judge said, she'd had sixteen, that was fair, and she'd choked the one time she'd had to be her absolute best. That was it, all that work, her life, for nothing. _It's all over._ The stage lights turned off as the judge left, her friends and teacher sitting frozen in their seats as she cried. She collapsed onto her knees, starting to sob, everything else disappearing as her misery took over.

She didn't know how long she'd been there, sobbing in the dark of the stage; for her time had stopped. Then a pair of strong arms encircled her, holding her, lifting her to her feet and pulling her into a tall broad chest. Finn. He held her as she cried, then took her home, helped her change, and held her again as she sobbed her heart out, his presence and strong frame around her the only comfort she had. He stayed until her fathers got home and she heard him quietly explain to them what had happened. Probably much more kindly put than she deserved.

Finally she was out of tears, reluctantly sitting up from Finn's lap, taking the glass of water that her dad held out to her. She sipped the water slowly, feeling Finn's hand stroking her back to comfort her. She supposed it helped a little, she wasn't dissolving back into tears just yet.

Her daddy said they should mourn properly as a family, sitting shiva, that it would give her some structure. She just nodded dumbly and let them coax her from the circle of Finn's arm, taking her downstairs.

Finn left, reluctantly, when she told him that she wanted to be alone. He'd been crying too.

* * *

After a long night, day, and night of mourning for her dream, for the life she'd thought she'd have, Rachel steeled herself to get dressed and go into school again. She talked to Kurt when he came up to her at her locker, managing to be happy for him and congratulate him on how amazing he'd been, telling him how well he'd do at NYADA and in New York. They hugged and parted, Rachel keeping her tears back until he'd left and she could walk away. Despite his encouraging words, she knew her dream, her life, was over.

She was morosely walking down the hallway later when she felt a tall form come up next to her, and she knew it was Finn. He took her hand, stopping her.

"How are you doing?" he asked softly.

She slowly looked up at him, seeing the concern she knew would be there. "I'm here," she said. "It's hard." She bit her lip. "I'm so sorry," she whispered, tearing up again. "You must be so disappointed in me."

"Hey, no," Finn protested, and he pulled her along the hall. Dimly she realized he was taking her to the choir room, and was glad he'd chosen that rather than the auditorium. "I am not disappointed in you, nobody is." He steered her inside the empty room, closed the door behind them, and took her into his arms.

"But I let everyone down, everyone who's supported and helped me and believed in me, all of you," she cried.

"No you didn't. You let yourself down, that's all." His arms loosened a little, and she felt his hand on her chin, turning her face up to his. She opened her eyes and saw him looking into them. "I've been singing with you for almost three years, and you've never let any of the rest of us down when we perform," he stated. "You always step up for us, even stepped in to help out when we needed you." His mouth twitched into a slight smile. "When I needed you. I don't think you can let us down."

"But she's right, no Broadway production would put up with someone who forgets the words or the tempo..."

"With an audience there, and the rest of the show depending on you? You'd be great."

Rachel shook her head. "Carmen Thibideaux knows what she's talking about. She knows what she wants and she doesn't want me."

"Aah, screw her. Just forget what she thinks."

"What? She's an eminently respected professional and teacher."

"Respected or feared? Kurt filled me in on her reputation. And she can't look past one mistake. People make mistakes, Rachel. _We_ know that, hell, you and me, we made a lot together but we got past them and now look at us." He tried to get her to meet his eyes. "Do you really want to spend the next few years working under someone like that?"

"But she's the best. And Kurt's going to do wonderfully working with her, I know he will."

"And when he comes home to our apartment in New York, venting about how picky she is, you can be glad you don't have to put up with it yourself."

Rachel cringed. "I – I can't go to New York with you and Kurt," she sobbed. "It's over for me."

"_No._" Finn's voice was hard, insistent. "You didn't take that from me and I'm not taking it from you. There are lots of performance schools in New York. You could even just go to auditions. We're going to New York, together, and we're going to make it there together."

"I just – I don't see how I can do that, not after what I did." She choked back a sob. "How can I even audition again? What if I choke again?"

Finn said nothing for a while. "Don't psych yourself out," he finally said, haltingly. "You kind of did that in the Maria callbacks, after you heard Mercedes. She wasn't better than you, not on the song and definitely not for the part, and I'm not just saying that because I love you. But listening to her did get to you. You just have to – not let it. Push past what happened yesterday and move on to the next one."

Rachel sniffled. "Do you think that's what happened?" At the last moment she'd questioned her song choice, thinking about how Kurt had been congratulated on the risk he'd taken. Felt a little bored at doing the same go-to song she'd had her whole life.

"Only you really know what went on with you. Maybe you were overrehearsed. But real auditions, you don't usually hear the other ones, do you, or what reaction they get?"

"No." she sniffled again. "But we do in competitions."

"And then we're all counting on you and you rise to the challenge. That's never been a problem for you."

"How do you know I won't screw up again, or freeze? At Nationals?" Tears fell from her eyes, and she lowered her head. "I don't know if I can trust myself to perform again," she admitted in a whisper, barely able to say it but knowing it was true.

"I'll be right there with you at Nationals. Sing for me, not the judges. You can do this, you can get past this. You're Rachel Berry."

Rachel sighed and burrowed into his chest.

"Here's what's going to happen, Rachel." Finn spoke more soothingly. "We're going to go to Nationals, and we're going to kill it, because you are amazing and you're going to be our star just like we need you to be, because you _never let us down_. Everyone from all those other colleges will see and hear how wonderful you are and they're going to be trying to convince you to go there and work with them, just so they can say one day that they taught Rachel Berry. And then you and I are getting married, because I'm not going anywhere without you, _ever._"

He hugged her tightly again. "I know it's hard for you to believe it right now," he said softly. "But just hold on, it's going to happen for you."


End file.
